Why it's hard to even get started...

When I was speaking to a friend recently, they mentioned that one of their children had started exploring their spirituality as a young adult. As a result of this exploration, their child was drawn to join a religious group similar to the one my friend had consciously moved away from some years ago. We talked about how it felt for my friend, to see their child embrace

some beliefs that they had explicitly rejected. It was hard for them; hard to keep their opinions and feelings to themself, and to allow their child to explore and make their choices, according to their own internal guide. However difficult, she had chosen to afford her child the freedom to make decisions about their spirituality, without influence or pressure from her personal opinions and beliefs. 

For many of us, raised in religious households, when we started exploring our spirituality and it led us away from the beliefs we had been raised in, we were not afforded the same respect and freedom that my friend has shown their child. To feel like we had to, or still have to, explore these doubts in secret because to be open about it in our religious community would attract either punishment or very close monitoring until we reach the “correct” conclusions (or both) is a very common experience. You are not alone. You are not the only one to have wrestled these questions in private, trying to narrate both sides of every argument, trying to find and repair the holes in the arguments, trying to follow the curly logic, and work through the dusty philosophy.

This is something that is built into many church-based religions, and can be used as a control mechanism designed to make it difficult for people to leave. Many of us have been taught that we are supposed to be accountable, to be transparent with our community about everything we’re thinking and feeling about our faith. This may make monitoring the community much easier, and from there it’s a short step to then apply pressure (in whatever form) to discourage exploration, or to encourage members to come to the “correct” conclusions. 

This is often one of the first things that we have trouble with when we are facing a faith evolution. We feel obligated to discuss our doubts and confusion with people we know will pressure us or punish us. That this prospect alone is so terrifying for many of us is an indication of how effective that mechanism is. The good news is it’s an artificial construct, and you should not feel bound by it. If you look through online forums that offer support and community to those in, or after a faith evolution, you will see this crop up over and over: “How do I tell them?” “How do I explain?” “They won’t accept my arguments, what do I say?” You are not actually obligated to share every doubt, externalise every struggle, or even declare any change of position to them.

This dynamic goes hand-in-hand with the idea that our arguments, reasoning, and position must be defensible, and accepted by our elders, those who are more knowledgeable, and in positions of power. This too is a false premise. You don’t have to have your conclusions verified by anyone. You don’t have to have your beliefs signed off and stamped “approved” by the leadership. Even your family members do not get to be the arbiters of your personal spiritual experience. You don’t even have to end up at a recognised destination, something with a label that you can paste over your ‘cross tattoo’. The validity of your beliefs is not dependent on your father being able to say “Oh she says she’s agnostic, but at least she’s not an atheist.”

When you put these two things together they create a very powerful dynamic, one that is often extremely painful to go against. It can feel like dishonesty, betrayal, outright lying,  disrespecting your elders, or rejecting the wisdom of those who love you. In reality, that is what is being done to you. The system is dealing dishonestly with you by exploiting control dynamics you are unaware of. The system has betrayed you by refusing you the freedom and trust to listen to your own inner voice. They are lying to you by insisting that there is only one vision of truth, and by telling you you are a ‘bad/lost/sinning’ person if you don’t toe the line. They are disrespecting you by denying you your autonomy to think and choose. They are rejecting wisdom by trying to gate-keep it, by refusing to acknowledge that everyone has access to their own inner well of wisdom that guides them toward what is good, healthy, healing, and expansive.

Being able to have the integrity and inner strength to give their child the freedom to explore their own spirituality without interference, or pressure, is something my friend should feel pride in. That they could allow their child to choose differently than themself, while still embracing their own choice shows grace. It takes healing and growth to be able to teach your child critical thinking skills and to listen to their internal guide about right and wrong, good and bad, and then to let them apply that and reach their conclusions without trying to influence them.

If you are wrestling with big questions, doubt, or already know you no longer fit but can’t quite work out how to make your exit, it can really help to talk things through. This is what I offer: a safe space to explore everything, to see where it goes, and to try on all the different ideas without any pressure or expectation about what conclusions you will reach. I have cut my own path through this jungle, I know how hard it can be. You don’t have to go it alone. Drop me a line if you’d like some company on your journey.