What kinds of small t religious trauma are there?

In the last couple of blogs I’ve talked about what “small t” trauma is, and a little about the idea that challenging the status quo of your beliefs does not necessarily mean a complete rejection of everything, but can be thought of as a journey that has no set pathway or destination. This time I’d like to look a little closer at some things you may have experienced or observed in the church that can be “small t” traumatic. 

Before I get into that, though, I feel it’s the right moment to talk about intention and purpose, and individual differences. There is a considerable spectrum of church communities, and considerable range within any given denomination or group on how that community administrates itself, both formally, from the leadership down, and informally, in the culture that grows up organically amongst the members. Some denominations have more or fewer mandates about behaviour and philosophy than others, and how that is enforced amongst members varies widely as well. The same values and tenets can be upheld by different churches with very different attitudes, and while that can be an important factor in how much harm goes on in that church, it’s not the only factor. I work on the assumption that in most church communities (in Australia, at least, I can’t speak for other countries with larger and more polarised communities) the intention is generally good, that leadership is genuinely doing their best to create something they think is good. I am convinced though, that there is a small minority that, whether they acknowledge it or not, are purposely exploiting their position for their own benefit. If these people get into higher leadership positions their dynamics can filter down to be perpetuated by well intentioned but unaware people. This is all as much to say that I am not trying to single out any denomination or group for criticism or blame, and I acknowledge that much “small t” harm is not done intentionally or even knowingly. Please keep in mind as I say this that Big T trauma is a different thing - I do not include things like sexual exploitation and abuse, physical abuse, or cult abuse in these statements.

It’s also important to note that what will be traumatic and hurtful to one person may not affect another to nearly the same degree. Two people who go to the same church may be very differently affected depending on their personalities, personal history, and experiences, and by what dynamics are more relevant to them. Research has confirmed that people who have a history of trauma, especially during childhood, are more susceptible to trauma further on in life. As I discussed last week, what is right for one person will not necessarily be a good fit for someone else. One person may thrive in a strong structure with explicit expectations about behaviour and actions, and for another it might be stifling and crushing.

So, when I’m talking about “small t” trauma in the church what am I actually talking about? There are lots of experiences and movements within church circles that have been recognised as phenomena with distinct characteristics, sometimes they even have their own names. Some examples are:

• Purity Culture, now being rebranded as Modesty Culture on social media - a quietly aggressive movement with strict ideas about sexual purity, how courtship should be conducted, personal dress and behaviour, and gendered roles in relationships and life.

• Missionary kids and third culture kids - people who grew up in a foreign country or in an expat mission community can face unique challenges around identity, culture, and finding their place in the world.

• Pastor’s kids - living in the spotlight and feeling like you’re expected to be a perfect role model can be a heavy burden.

• Lifestyle religion - some church groups strongly encourage members to weave their religious content through every aspect of daily life. This in itself is not necessarily bad, but some take it to extreme lengths, seeking to govern every aspect of their lives by Biblical teachings and verses. This can become extremely restrictive and guilt inducing if common sense for living today does not line up with teachings applied to communities from two thousand years ago.

• Financial abuse - some churches can become demanding about their members’ financial contributions through tithes. They can also take advantage of members by expecting discounted or free services from members’ businesses, and of their personal resources.

• Religious parenting - parenting practices and our understanding of psychological development in children has changed a lot since Biblical times. While there are some good teachings in the Bible about the attitudes to foster to create generous, respectful people, the methods for getting there have come a long way since then. It can be traumatic for both parents and children to be pushed into parenting styles that are harmful, not to mention that many of these practices are based on assumptions that are deeply distressing for both parents and children (who wants to believe that their child is, or that they as the child are, fundamentally wicked and therefore in need of punishment?)

• Religious marriage - the Christian church has historically been very clear that there is a very precise definition of what constitutes valid marriage in their eyes - how do people whose relationship does not fit the mould understand themselves? Historically, the church has had a lot to say about how spouses should relate to one another. Divorce: whether, and in what circumstances it is acceptable is also a hotly debated topic.

• Medical and healthcare accessibility - some church denominations and communities are content to leave healthcare decisions to the individual, but some feel it is their responsibility and right to mandate what healthcare is acceptable for their members to access. We are used to hearing about religious control in reproductive healthcare such as contraception, IVF, and abortion, but it can also be exerted over elective surgeries, cosmetic procedures, lifesaving procedures like blood transfusions, and even dietary supplements and complementary therapies.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. As discussed earlier, what constitutes harmful to any given individual depends very much on the individual. But these are some trends that many who have left the church due to religious hurt will recognise. If you see yourself in one or some of these, you might like to reflect on what exactly is going on in that part of your relationship with your church and community. Ask yourself how it feels when you strip away the ideas of obligation, expectation, and what everyone else goes along with. If it is not as comfortable as you’d like, that’s ok. Perhaps you just need a different perspective to feel differently, or perhaps this is a thread that will lead you to other things that are not sitting right with you, and that are ripe for a deeper exploration. Whatever the case for you, there is no reason you should expect yourself to stay in a dynamic or relationship that makes you feel constricted, uncomfortable, or that is wearing you down. There is always another way to be a good person.

If something here is niggling you and you’d like another perspective on it, or you want help digging a little deeper, please get in touch. I’m here without judgement to accompany you through whatever emotional archaeology you want to do, or to be a sounding board.